Due to the popularity of Volume 1, which was building an inoffensive snowman, tonight, we will tackle a much more deeper aspect of the Christmas holiday season, which is Santa Claus. With the help of a friend, Bill Ritter (NOT the anchorman on ABC Eyewitness News), we set out to destroy the character that gives millions of children all over the world joy every December 25th, to serve our own personal, and politically correct agendas.
- Mall Santa’s are no longer allowed to have little children sit in their laps. Because this promotes pedophilia, the children must now be strapped to a metal chair located five feet away and protected by a brick wall with a one-way mirror. Here, they will be able to see Santa Claus without the rotund NAMBLA figurehead being able to see them. They will speak directly into a phone, and their voice will be changed by voice recognition software, and their wish list will then be delivered to the Santa, who will type his jolly responses into a computer, where they will then be screened on the HD TV the child will not be getting for Christmas. A picture of the child will then be digitally inserted into a preexisting photo of Santa, to be given to the parents as a gift, which they can promptly place on their refrigerator.
- Santa’s helpers can no longer be referred to as elves. Because the word “elf” has a bad stigma attached and includes people who have been exploited throughout history, they will now be referred to as “little helpers”, but not before they formed their own union titled, “The Association Of Vertically Challenged Woodworkers and Craftspeople.”
- Santa is no longer allowed to use reindeer to pull his sleigh. Because the reindeer have to travel for hours without rest or nourishment (let’s be real here, no one leaves carrots for them anymore because children are wicked and evil) he must now use a solar-powered sleigh that needs up to a week to charge for the long journey. Should the sleigh not be ready by Christmas Eve, that’s just too bad because PETA has already put their foot down stating that reindeer rights come before child happiness and any depression or suicide that may follow as a result of no presents being delivered is a “necessary evil of the holiday season”. However, PETA has reserved the right to implement a contract drawn up by Honda to create biodiesel robotic reindeer that look like the real thing.
- The United Nations is cracking down on Santa. Because Santa enjoys a pipe made out of evil tobacco that will no doubt produce a generation of children addicted to such a terrifying substance, the UN is citing Santa for contributing to the destruction of the ozone layer. That and the fact that his reindeer occasionally “let one go” while traveling for hours on end, means the Santa and his workshop will have to face sanctions stated in the new Environmental Treaty. The workshop also must now be powered by solar energy.
- Santa has been forced to lose weight. How dare he be a model of peace, happiness, and gift giving to our children while sporting that gut? Santa has single-handedly caused the obesity epidemic in America and will not be allowed to enter the country until he trims himself down to a manageable weight of 200 pounds, which in itself is offensive and disgusting.
- Santa will now be referred to as simply “Claus”. Because the word “Santa” means “saint” in Latin, and that word refers to the Catholic religion and offends atheists and all those that are not Christian, his name must be changed. It was going to be “Mister” but that word would force children to recognize adult authority and respect, so we will skip that and go right to his last name, which is Claus. Should that still be too much to handle for the child, the phrase “that fat guy” can be substituted. But if it is spoken around any overweight children, the offender can be charged with bullying.
- Santa will not be allowed to visit children in Arizona. Because of Arizona’s new immigration laws and the fact that Santa does not have a visa or United States citizenship, it will be illegal for his entrance into the state. Because of this, all people who celebrate Christmas will have to camp out on the state’s border to receive their gifts—that is, if they want to risk being killed by drug lords or border patrol.
- Santa is no longer allowed to say “Ho ho ho”. Because this slogan will offend members of the “League of Urban Outdoor Nocturnal Working Women”, he will now have to say “Ole ole ole”, but should he use a Spanish accent, he can be cited for racism and forced to work a hundred hours of community service after attending a “Tolerance and Acceptance” seminar.
- Santa is no longer allowed to wear red. Because people who lived through the Cold War have been offended by the color of communism, Santa will now have to wear a combination of tan and khaki as part of his new neutral outfit. Of course, none will be made of animal products to keep PETA happy, and all will be donated to homeless shelters after every Christmas.
- Children must now leave “animal product free” refreshments for Santa. Because vegans got offended by the classic glass of milk, and cookies made with butter that are left out for Santa, children must now leave “Vegan Approved” cookies and soy milk. Should they not comply, Santa will leave them pieces of coal which must be used only as paper weights or door stoppers, because burning them is a fossil fuel and therefore evil.
Like what you’re reading? Let us know! You may spark us for volume three!
