For the first time in my life, I am going to publicly reveal who my favorite president is, in honor of President’s Day weekend. Not once during the six years I have been teaching in various locations and settings, or in two years as a history lecturer, have I ever said who it is. The reason? Well, it is just so hard to narrow them down. I have more that I do not like than like, but I think that is the same for most people. After all, has there been a president that was ever truly honest to a fault? No. Has there ever been a president not corrupted in some way? No. Has there ever been a president that truly gave a damn about the American people, instead of his political cronies? Hell no. So, you can see why it has taken me so long to come to an answer. I have known for some time now, but just wanted to double-check and make sure. He is not perfect either, you can be sure, but you will find him to be a rather adequate choice when you look at some of the other brilliant commanders-in-chief we have had over the years.
Many experts are predicting that the price of a gallon of gas will skyrocket to around $5 this summer. This will leave many citizens wanting to cancel vacations and trips to relatives because they do not want to shell out a hundred dollars at the gas pump. Because the United States is obviously running low on oil, since we have no reserves of our own and currently occupy no foreign nations illegally which we could steal from them, I propose this two-year plan which will help keep gas at under or around $3 a gallon, an average which it is currently holding.
June 1, 2011: Without informing the elected government of the US, the shadow government comes up with a plan to invade the Kingdom of Wakawakaland, because of the country’s newly found oil reserves. Wakawakaland is a small, terrorist laden country whose tourist slogan bills them as being “Somewhere in the Glorious Middle East”. Because the population is so small, and they have no national army, they become an easy target.
June 5, 2011: The shadow government contacts leaders of a terrorist force of Wakawakalians to have them attack the United States so that we can, in turn, launch an invasion of their country. The sacrificial lamb will be Joe Biden.
July 4, 2011: After giving a twelve-hour speech on the importance of democracy, Joe Biden leaves a conference in Wakawakaland to go to the airport so he can return home. On the way, his motorcade is attacked by terrorists armed with water pistols. Following the aftermath of such a serious attack, the official report reads as follows: Casualties: 0, Damage: Clean windshield.
July 4, 2011: When news reaches back home that Biden is unharmed, Barack Obama does an epic facepalm, and the severity of such an attack on the United States of America is broadcast on the news day and night. Obama announces that we will “get revenge” on the terrorist faction. Those not on his side are labeled as “Un-American” and “Cowards”.
July 5, 2011: The army is put on full alert while congress scrambles to come up with a declaration of war. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton now announces to the world that Wakawakaland is “chock full” of weapons of mass destruction, consisting of Nerf apparel and a Gatling water gun. She prepares a massive poster-board map of the country, spanning 25 feet by 10 feet, and stands on a podium holding a meter-stick, where she then points out a three millimeter wide speck in the bottom left-hand corner of the board, and states that the weapons of mass destruction are housed there.
July 6, 2011: The declaration of war is drawn up by congress. The only two senators who voted against it die in a plane crash in the middle of the Northwestern wilderness a year later.
July 10, 2011: While addressing the media on national television, Obama is asked, “Aren’t we overreacting?” to which the president responds with, “Why do you hate freedom?”
July 15, 2011: A government mandate stating that all those who own water pistols will be subject to wiretap and questioning. Five hundred first-graders are rounded up and held in prisons under treason charges. Guards pace up and down the interrogation rooms yelling, “What do you have against democracy?”
July 16, 2011: Barack Obama’s hair turns gray.
July 17, 2011: John Boehner cries.
July 26, 2011: Sarah Palin announces plans to take her TEA Party supporters on a private invasion of Wakawakaland. Because the government feels she is leading a private army and not a militia, she responds with, “Well, Dick Cheney did it.” She is detained for another four days. When she agrees to change the name of her army to Blackwater: The Sequel, they release her from prison and she is allowed to invade.
July 28, 2011: Halliburton officials are sent to Wakawakaland to guard oil wells before the invasion. A George W. Bush look-alike was seen hiding in the back of the lead truck.
July 30, 2011: Nancy Pelosi is attacked on the capital steps, also with a water-gun. She sustains no injuries except her makeup running off, revealing that she is actually a 75-year-old man named Steve.
August 1, 2011: The last pre-invasion plans are carried out to evacuate all the women in Wakawakaland. Bill Clinton volunteers to lead the rescue mission.
August 2, 2011: The invasion commences, as the United States drops fifteen trillion tons of bombs on the twenty-square mile wide country. They then drop baskets of food and water to those still alive.
August 3, 2011: The terrorist leader of Wakawakaland, Sheik Rick al-Dipietroziz goes into hiding in the country’s massive underground cave system. Though he has Kidney disease, asthma, diabetes, cancer, and Mesothelioma, he will survive for another twenty years, and never be captured by the United States.
August 4, 2011: Because the US realizes they will never capture DiPietroziz, they invade the neighboring country and execute their leader instead.
August 5, 2011: Sarah Palin and her contingent arrive in the jungles of Wakawakaland armed with M-16′s. They then realize that there are no jungles in Wakawakaland, and that they are actually on the wrong continent. A befuddled Palin breaks down and cries, saying that she cannot see Wakawakaland from her back yard.
August 6, 2011: Barack Obama’s hair turns white.
August 8, 2011: A navy destroyer arrives in Wakawakaland’s largest harbor, where the president announces that the mission has been accomplished.
August 30, 2011: A full investigation on the attack of vice president Biden is launched. It is created by the “House of Un-American Water Pistol Activity Commission”.
September 1, 2011: Joe Biden volunteers to chair the commission. When asked to state his name for the record, he speaks for twenty-five minutes.
September 20, 2011: The commission returns to session after a twenty day adjournment to absorb the chilling testimony given by Biden on the opening day. Monster Energy donates a thousand large cans to the commission members to help them concentrate when Biden talks.
September 25, 2011: John Boehner attacks Biden with his gavel. No one saw it.
November 1, 2011: Trillions of gallons of oil are finally being pumped out of Wakawakaland and sent to refineries in the United States.
November 2, 2011: Sarah Palin announces on Piers Morgan Tonight that she will be running for president in 2012. Morgan then has to be sedated and carried out on a stretcher live on the air after he laughs so hard he cannot breathe properly.
November 30, 2011: A troop of Wakawakalians attack the oil wells occupied by the Americans.
December 1, 2011: Barack Obama no longer has hair.
December 15, 2011: A constitutional amendment is ratified by a unanimous vote to stitch Joe Biden’s mouth shut. Simultaneously, Sarah Palin is placed under house arrest for “crimes against intelligence.”
July 4, 2012: A ceremony commemorating the terrorist attack takes place in Washington. At the end of his speech, Obama introduces Biden as the next speaker, but then pulls out a sign that reads, “LOL JK”.
October 10, 2012: Amidst the debates for the coming election, gas prices conveniently trickle down to $2.95 a gallon.
November 6, 2012: The election takes place, and though Palin is still under house arrest, she nonetheless emerged as the top Republican candidate. Obama wins by a landslide vote of 535 electoral votes to 3.
December 21, 2012: The world doesn’t end.