mike keenan

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Spare me the cries of overreaction on what will be game nine of the New York Rangers’ season tomorrow afternoon at home against the Ottawa Senators. The bottom-line is, the Rangers have not played one complete game all season long, and blew a chance to defeat the Toronto Maple Leafs last night, after they began the game flying in the offensive zone. As usual, they did not end the game as they began, with the order of good and bad play shifting around from previous games. Coach John Tortorella, out of desperation (or maybe compulsion, I have not yet decided) keeps on changing the lines in his eternal quest to find offensive chemistry, something his team has never had, dating back to when he inherited a misfit team from Tom Renney three years ago. He had an excuse then, though, as he was not working with who he wanted. Well, he got who he wanted this off-season, and has done nothing but make everyone’s head spin with his nonsensical line switches that seem to occur on a shift-by-shift basis, rather than a more understandable game-by-game.

Tomorrow’s top two lines, who they will field against a weak assemblage from Ottawa, who, by the way, have played better than the Rangers, are as follows:

1) Wojtek Wolski- Erik Christensen- Marian Gaborik

2) Brandon Dubinsky- Brad Richards- Ryan Callahan

As I said just said days ago, the sheer brilliance of John Tortorella here is so strong, it will blind you and knock you out of your chair. Brad Richards is not being paid nearly $7 million to skate between two offensive hacks, who have combined for two goals and three assists in 16 games. Brandon Dubinsky, who may have qualified for the Dumbest Ranger award, after the last game, continues to take stupid penalties at inopportune times, while waltzing irrelevantly through all three zones as a non-factor, with zero goals in eight games. Fresh off a contract that is paying him $4.2 million, he is now showing his true colors, one of yet another overpaid homegrown “star” who fans love, that has never really accomplished anything. Ryan Callahan, meanwhile, has been just a step better, if only because he has not spent an entire two periods worth of penalty minutes in the sin bin. The fact that Richards is between the two is just more proof of Tortorella’s disillusionment. He is the only marquee playmaker this team has had since the lockout, except for Michael Nylander, and that is who he has to work with? Where is Marian Gaborik, who he actually played well with in the first few games of the season? Oh yeah, stuck on the wing with Erik Christensen and Wojtek Wolski, two players who have played a combined nine games without a point between them. Remember, this is the Rangers. Here 2 + 2 = 5.

If Tortorella wants to keep up the juggling act, which would have even Barnum and Bailey fainting from dizziness, at least he could not insult the fan base and those that shell out the money that helps to pay for some of these contracts, and actually keep Gaborik and Richards together. The clock is ticking, and while the season may still be young, if the Rangers continue to play like this, we will not have to worry about the season much longer. So far, they have been a disgrace, and I do not care what their record is. This is a franchise that prides itself on being just good enough to get to the playoffs. How long is it before they push it a little bit further and not settle for a berth that more than half the teams in the league also make? It is harder to miss the playoffs than make them, and while this was the year that the Rangers were actually going to get out of the first round and make a serious push, I think we can now consider it a major accomplishment if they make it through the month of November with a winning record. This team needs a wake-up call, and while I am not yet ready to have Tortorella on the chopping block, I would say he is very close. The only problem is who would replace him. Who is out there? Mike Keenan (who was an analyst on MSG last season, prompting me to think he was in waiting), Bob Hartley, and Ted Nolan come to mind, but the Rangers also need to make trades, in offense and defense. This all adds up to a major problem, and a New York Rangers’ season would not be one without one, as you damn well know if you have been watching them as long as I have, and beyond.

Comments on the Home Opener Festivities

I could not help but cringe during the Rangers’ extended “Blue Carpet” pre-game show, where they interviewed disinterested celebrities who just happened to be at the game because they got free tickets, not because they are actually hockey fans. Gianonne kept floating the same boring, basic questions that plague his real hockey coverage, while the star-power present was strong enough to have powered a low-budget C-level horror movie. Then came the actual pre-game ceremony, one which was nothing special (which I don’t mind), but it also lacked a memorial for Derek Boogaard, who passed away this off-season. While he was remembered during a TV timeout, a video or something needed to be done while still on the broadcast, so it could be seen as special, and not crammed into a thirty-second money-making time-slot. If their reason is because they did not want to sadden the mood of a home opener, and not because a ceremony is coming later in the season, then shame on MSG.

One more thing, and this is in regard to those dolts who unfurled the “We Want Avery” banner and yelled the chants that could be heard on television. Let me ask you: do you really think he would make a difference? His famous spark was gone, and he was just as useless as Dubinsky or Wolski during the pre-season. I know there are many with an undying affection for him, but would he help the team score goals? Would he help them be more disciplined? Would he help the defense clear the zone? The answer to all three questions is no, so please, just leave it alone and stick to reality here. I may want him more than Christensen too, but he sure as hell would not have made the outcomes of these miserable games any different.

Ever wonder what it would be like to see your favorite players take some time out of their busy schedule to sit down and write a book? Well, below, we have uncovered some of the writing projects currently being undertaken by your 2010/11 New York Rangers. What we found may surprise you.

“Staying Onside”, by Sean Avery

“Strong Legs, Powerful Arms and a Muscular Chest: A Guide to Human Anatomy”, by Joe Micheletti

“How I Impressed H.G Wells and Walked Away a Multi-Millionaire”, by Alex Frolov

“Sticking Up for Teammates”, By Erik Christensen

“Accuracy 101″, by Ryan Callahan

“Stickhandling for Success”, by Derek Boogaard

“2010/11 Hartford Real Estate Guide”, by Mats Zuccarello

“Boris Karloff Impersonations”, by Mike Keenan

“Staying Calm and Relieving Anxiety”, by John Tortorella

“Sex Appeal in Winter: A Guide to Tanning Beds and their Radioactive Fallout”, by Vinny Prospal

I swear, I tried to get an Aaron Voros joke in there but couldn't. This picture will have to suffice.

“Look at Me Please! How to be Noticed on an Offensive Attack”, by Todd White

“Nerds Can be Sexy Too”, by Bill Pidto

“The Art of the Toupee: Getting Your Hair Swagger On”, by Sam Rosen

“The History of American Pie, Volume One: Stifler’s Mom”, by Derek Stepan

“Channeling Your Inner Guido”, by Michael Del Zotto

“Consistency in Back to Back Starts”, by Henrik Lundqvist

“Long Island Sun Tan: Burning Your Neck Without UV Damage”, by Martin Biron

“A Geographical Guide to New York City Bus Stops”, by Larry Brooks, Foreword by John Tortorella

“Wrist Shots, Slap Shots, and Jello Shots”, by Dave Maloney

“Life of the Party: How to Stun Your Guests with an Enthralling Personality”, by Chris Drury

An oldie but goodie.

The jerseys that the Pittsburgh Penguins will be wearing in this year’s winter classic have been photographed and released, and I just happened to catch a glimpse of them for the first time only minutes ago when I noticed them posted on someone’s Facebook. My immediate reaction that it was a joke—someone had photo-shopped a hideous jersey in an attempt to make fun of the Penguins, who have never really had a nice jersey. Then I find out that these jerseys are indeed real. Have a look for yourself:

The goal behind this monstrous creation was to take a little something from every jersey they have ever worn and combine it into one. This would not be a bad idea if every jersey the Penguins have had were actually good. There were the baby blue jerseys they sported in their inaugural years that were replicated for their appearance in the NHL’s first winter classic four years ago (not terrible). Then their black and yellow jerseys which featured a cartoon-like Penguin were laughable, and that design has shifted over the years. In my humble opinion, the picture below is the best jersey they ever wore—a very sharp black and yellow with the word “Penguins” down the center. Notice how it is not flashy, just very traditional:

But is this the ugliest jersey ever designed? The NHL is a league that has had their share of doozies over the years. From the mid-1990′s Los Angeles Kings wearing a jersey nicknamed the “Burger King”, to the New York Islanders having a center patch that was a mirror image of the Gorton’s Fisherman, only holding a hockey stick. Oh, and who can forget this design thunk up by the St. Louis Blues before Iron Mike Keenan shot it down and vetoed it? (Thank you, Mike!)

Year after year teams come up with awful designs, most recently teams beginning to use nicknames like the Lightning have with “Bolts” and the Senators with “Sens”, both of which can be seen in gigantic, unrepentant patterns right across the crest of the jerseys.

The Winter Classic is one hockey game that tops all others for viewership every year in its existence, and this is the best that the Penguins could come up with? Not only is it just an ugly clash of colors, but it contains that same cartoon penguin in the center and about three too many stripes on the bottom and the sleeves. To be frank, it looks like it was designed by someone who went into an acid-driven coma in the 1970′s and woke up this year to create this jersey.

It’s about time that teams stopped trying to stretch their creative minds past what they are limited to, and get back to simplicity. Each of the Original Six teams still wear jerseys identical to or slightly changed to what they wore when they debuted. I don’t hear anyone complaining about them.

So what do you think is the ugliest jersey ever? Please share your thoughts in the comment section below!