A P.C American Holiday Vol. 4: Santa’s Pipe has Gone Missing

Continued from the series started last year: Building an Inoffensive Snowman (Vol. 1), The Evil Mystique of Santa Claus (Vol. 2), and Why Leave New Year’s Alone? (Vol. 3).

Frosty the Snowman’s corncob pipe was taken away several years ago, and now, thanks to a hack author from Canada, Santa’s has now gone missing as well. Yes, that’s right, the politically correct, over-sensitive lunacy that has engulfed this continent has made its way to Clement Clarke Moore’s timeless tale, Twas the Night Before Christmas, as a new edition has been released with verses related to Santa’s evil pipe smoking deleted. The author, Pamela McColl, has omitted all references to tobacco, along with adding the subtitle, “Edited by Santa Claus for the benefit of children of the 21st century”, because she feels that Santa’s bad habit will negatively influence the young, malleable minds reading and listening to the story. While some may see this as harmless, I see it as a desecration of literature, much in the same way that people were aghast when Mark Twain’s Huckleberry Finn was edited down a few years ago, removing all uses of the N-word, to appeal to “modern audiences”. Twain, the complete reverse of a racist in real life, used such language to articulate a point, and tell a story, one which has been butchered by the ultra-liberal pansies who want to shield young eyes from the slightest upsetting remark or image. Apparently, the jolly old elf enjoying a pipe after flying around the world is so disgusting, it had to be removed as well.

A PC American Holiday Vol. 3: Why Leave New Year’s Alone?

Ah, it’s that time of year again where political correctness drives people mad! Last year, we attacked the myths behind Frostie the Snowman and Santa Claus, and because they went over so well, I decided to continue it again this year, with a different holiday that no one ever goes after. Well, why should we leave New Year’s celebrations alone? Surely, somewhere, someone is offended by such a day/eve, and on this blog, we shall set out to exploit it!

A PC American Holiday Vol. 2: The Evil Mystique of Santa Claus

Due to the popularity of Volume 1, which was building an inoffensive snowman, tonight, we will tackle a much more deeper aspect of the Christmas holiday season, which is Santa Claus. With the help of a friend, Bill Ritter (NOT the anchorman on ABC Eyewitness News), we set out to destroy the character that gives millions of children all over the world joy every December 25th, to serve our own personal, and politically correct agendas.

• Mall Santa’s are no longer allowed to have little children sit in their laps. Because this promotes pedophilia, the children must now be strapped to a metal chair located five feet away and protected by a brick wall with a one-way mirror. Here, they will be able to see Santa Claus without the rotund NAMBLA figurehead being able to see them. They will speak directly into a phone, and their voice will be changed by voice recognition software, and their wish list will then be delivered to the Santa, who will type his jolly responses into a computer, where they will then be screened on the HD TV the child will not be getting for Christmas. A picture of the child will then be digitally inserted into a preexisting photo of Santa, to be given to the parents as a gift, which they can promptly place on their refrigerator.

• Santa’s helpers can no longer be referred to as elves. Because the word “elf” has a bad stigma attached and includes people who have been exploited throughout history, they will now be referred to as “little helpers”, but not before they formed their own union titled, “The Association Of Vertically Challenged Woodworkers and Craftspeople.”

• Santa is no longer allowed to use reindeer to pull his sleigh. Because the reindeer have to travel for hours without rest or nourishment (let’s be real here, no one leaves carrots for them anymore because children are wicked and evil) he must now use a solar-powered sleigh that needs up to a week to charge for the long journey. Should the sleigh not be ready by Christmas Eve, that’s just too bad because PETA has already put their foot down stating that reindeer rights come before child happiness and any depression or suicide that may follow as a result of no presents being delivered is a “necessary evil of the holiday season”. However, PETA has reserved the right to implement a contract drawn up by Honda to create biodiesel robotic reindeer that look like the real thing.

• The United Nations is cracking down on Santa. Because Santa enjoys a pipe made out of evil tobacco that will no doubt produce a generation of children addicted to such a terrifying substance, the UN is citing Santa for contributing to the destruction of the ozone layer. That and the fact that his reindeer occasionally “let one go” while traveling for hours on end, means the Santa and his workshop will have to face sanctions stated in the new Environmental Treaty. The workshop also must now be powered by solar energy.

• Santa has been forced to lose weight. How dare he be a model of peace, happiness, and gift giving to our children while sporting that gut? Santa has single-handedly caused the obesity epidemic in America and will not be allowed to enter the country until he trims himself down to a manageable weight of 200 pounds, which in itself is offensive and disgusting.

• Santa will now be referred to as simply “Claus”. Because the word “Santa” means “saint” in Latin, and that word refers to the Catholic religion and offends atheists and all those that are not Christian, his name must be changed. It was going to be “Mister” but that word would force children to recognize adult authority and respect, so we will skip that and go right to his last name, which is Claus. Should that still be too much to handle for the child, the phrase “that fat guy” can be substituted. But if it is spoken around any overweight children, the offender can be charged with bullying.

• Santa will not be allowed to visit children in Arizona. Because of Arizona’s new immigration laws and the fact that Santa does not have a visa or United States citizenship, it will be illegal for his entrance into the state. Because of this, all people who celebrate Christmas will have to camp out on the state’s border to receive their gifts—that is, if they want to risk being killed by drug lords or border patrol.

• Santa is no longer allowed to say “Ho ho ho”. Because this slogan will offend members of the “League of Urban Outdoor Nocturnal Working Women”, he will now have to say “Ole ole ole”, but should he use a Spanish accent, he can be cited for racism and forced to work a hundred hours of community service after attending a “Tolerance and Acceptance” seminar.

• Santa is no longer allowed to wear red. Because people who lived through the Cold War have been offended by the color of communism, Santa will now have to wear a combination of tan and khaki as part of his new neutral outfit. Of course, none will be made of animal products to keep PETA happy, and all will be donated to homeless shelters after every Christmas.

• Children must now leave “animal product free” refreshments for Santa. Because vegans got offended by the classic glass of milk, and cookies made with butter that are left out for Santa, children must now leave “Vegan Approved” cookies and soy milk. Should they not comply, Santa will leave them pieces of coal which must be used only as paper weights or door stoppers, because burning them is a fossil fuel and therefore evil.

Like what you’re reading? Let us know! You may spark us for volume three!

A PC American Holiday Vol. 1: Building an Inoffensive Snowman

Last night as I was watching a History Channel special titled, The Real Story of Christmas, and saw how the holiday changed over the years (mostly negatively), I began to wonder about some of America’s oldest traditions in storytelling, such as Santa Claus and Frostie the Snowman. Being the cynical person that I am, always quick to point out how easily people overreact to the smallest matter, and in today’s world, where everything we create and advertise is driven by political correctness, I pointed out that a lot of the famous pictures of Santa that we recognize today consisted of him smoking a pipe (Pall Mall cigarettes even went so far as to use the jolly old elf to market their brand in the 1920′s) and of course, you cannot complete the Frostie the Snowman rhyme without saying, “…with a corncob pipe and a button nose.”

So there we had two staples of Christmastime promoting tobacco use. I thought it was pretty funny and was almost amazed that the lyrics of Frostie had not yet been changed because the youth of America may see his pipe as a sign that it is okay for them to smoke, thus creating an entire generation of little children addicted to pipe tobacco. As for Santa’s pipe, cartoons drawn of him today seem to omit the tool that he always use to light up after he sat down from a long, tiring journey of spanning the world to drop presents off to little children.

Political correctness has gone way too far in this country, and to write about that would require enough space fitting of a doctorate thesis, but I just hate the fact that everything is “Happy Holidays” now. You can’t say the word Christmas, or even Hanukkah or Kwanzaa for that matter, because you may offend someone who does not celebrate that holiday. Where this mentality came from, I have no idea. I’ve said “Merry Christmas” to Jewish people, and maybe you’ll be surprised to find out that they did not punch me in the face for doing so. Furthermore, Jewish people have said “Happy Hanukkah” to me, and that just gets me so angry that I want to say it in return to them.

Nevertheless, last night I decided to post on Facebook what I was thinking about Frostie: “How long before politically correct America lambasts Frostie the Snowman for having a corncob pipe, because it promotes tobacco use in children?”

I expected a few laughs, but nowhere near the twenty comments this simple status received. It was hilarious what people wanted to change about Frostie in order to fit him into today’s society. I enjoyed what my friends had to say so much, that I doctored up this Photoshop to get the idea across at how silly being politically correct is.

Warning: If you are allergic to snow, do not click to enlarge. I can’t afford to have a lawsuit from the ACLU on my hands.

Isn’t this world we live in today great? I would like to know where it all started to go downhill for the Christmas Holiday season. Watching that documentary last night, and seeing clips of people’s home movies of Christmas morning from the 1950′s and 60′s almost made me sad, because life (and the toys children were receiving) were so much more simple back then, and everyone made due with what they had, and had a lot of fun doing so as well. Today, I look at children and see mostly spoiled brats, who don’t deserve nearly a quarter of what expensive, electronic gifts they receive. So I’ll propose the question to you again, and feel free to leave a comment or send me an email: Just where did it all go wrong?

This is Volume 1 of what I hope will be an ongoing series. As more ideas arise, I will jot them down. As always, if you have any comments or suggestions, please send them to me. One more thing: lost in all of this was how much I thoroughly enjoyed watching that History Channel special. Hats off to them, because for the first time since the late 1990′s, they have redone all of their holiday shows, including ones on the origins of Halloween and Thanksgiving. The old ones, hosted by Harry Smith, were excellent, and I have them saved on DVD, but for a general history lesson, these new one needed to be made. I highly recommend giving it a view.

A Look at Ridiculous Ads Through the Years: The 1920′s

Once upon a time ago I got a chain email from someone that listed famous ads from the 1920′s all the way through the 1960′s. Some of them were just so ridiculous, I did not believe them to be true. Well, after a little digging, I found out that they were not only true, but the state of the art advertising for that point in time.

So I went on a quest to find some of the most ridiculous ads ever promoted, and maybe you will be as shocked as I am at some of them. From doctors recommending certain cigarettes as being healthy to downright shocking ads for contraception, the forty year span from the 20′s through the 60′s saw ads like never before.

Let’s start out with one of the more ridiculous ads I have ever seen. Can you believe it? A soap that will miraculously take away weight from where ever it is that you rub it. How on God’s green earth could anyone in their right mind actually believe that something like this would work? This is a clear case of deception of the masses, and I’m sure it’s creator ended up working for the United States Congress at some point in his life.

With the birth of this fascinating new piece of technology known as the telephone, of course they had to promote it’s glory in some way. My only question; how did he get up there?

Cigarette ads are always the best ones to poke fun at, and Lucky Strike, as legendary as it is, is no different. Notice how the person holding the pack is none other than a doctor, with the wonderful tag line, “20,679 physicians say Luckies are less irritating.” The other physicians are busy recommending Camel.

This has to be the scariest ad I have ever seen, in the fact that they are using a baby to advertise cigarettes. It’s a shame that the kid will probably end up becoming a smoker and dying of cancer because they seem to be so healthy and fun.

This Christmas season, give the gift of lung cancer!

This ad is so great because it openly promotes women to scrub Lysol in certain places where you would not want to scrub Lysol. Just think, this kind of activity was seen as healthy and the way to be hygienic. I wonder how many people died as a result to this. On the bright side, the man was able to be as dirty as he wanted.

If someone gave me milk for Christmas, I’d shoot them.

Thumb sucking is a pretty harmless activity that almost all infants do at some point or another. There is always this fear among parents that if a child does it for an extended period of time, he or she will do it for the rest of their life. Well, let me ask you, do you know one person with this problem? No, of course not. But have no fear, baby Alice! Everything will be alright with this wonderful invention. Way to go mom! Wrap your kid’s thumb in barbed wire.