***Warning: The following is satire and is not based on any true events…yet.***
NEW YORK, NEW YORK– Rangers owner Jim Dolan has announced today that due to the likelihood that the Rangers will be missing the playoffs this season, he will be forced to take action. In order to make up for lost playoff revenues and the fact that he will not have an excuse to raise ticket prices next season, he announced that the team will be selling Breathing Passes next season to all fans, and they will be mandatory at the start of the 2010/11 season. If you do not have one, you cannot enter the building.
These passes must be separately purchased from the tickets and will be scanned at the main entrance. They will not become active until once you actually enter the arena. The technologically advanced cards will measure how many times you breathe. Fans will have to pre-pay how many breathes they want, and when the amount runs out, oxygen supply to the brain will be cut off until they are renewed.
Plans available are:
Lifetime Unlimited. Cost: $100,000 and your first born. These passes will allow you to breathe without worrying as they will never expire. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the Rangers losing.
Single Season Unlimited. Cost: $25,000 and your body donated to medical science upon your death. The same as above; do not worry during the course of the season, but they must be renewed every September.
Single Game. Cost: $500. These are ingeniously crafted. Because the average human breathes 70 times per minute, and 4200 times per hour, the Rangers will assume you will be at Madison Square Garden for three hours and thus, you get 252,000 breathes. If you run out during a game, better get to one of our ATM/renewal stations in time, or you could slip into a coma.*
Single Game with Rollover. Cost: $1000. These are the way to go! Don’t breathe as often as the average human? Spend the extra dough and have the breathes you don’t use during a particular game rollover when you make your next purchase.
* Disclaimer: Madison Square Garden is not liable for any person who suffers brain damage or slips into a coma. All bodies in vegetative state that go unclaimed after 30 days will be put to work in our Public Relations Office.
Upcoming Events for Next Season:
Blood Drive Night (October 12): We don’t want your blood for a cause, just for the sake of taking it! For each gallon of blood you donate you will receive one free knish at any 400’s level concession stand.
Donate a Kidney Night (November 15): Fans in attendance will have the chance to show their support of the team and give a kidney that will be taken out right on the concourse! You don’t even have to miss one moment of the game. For each kidney you donate, you will receive half off of one ticket*. Thus, if you give us both your kidneys, you get to go to a game for free!
Tracheotomy Night (December 23): Celebrate Christmas by showing us how true a fan you are! Leave the breathing passes at home and have a tracheotomy done right in the comfort of you own chair! We just make one little incision and stick a bendy straw down your throat, and you’ll be breathing comfortably all night.
Merchant of Venice Night (January 2): Lose weight and watch the Rangers all in one sitting! Receive one free ticket* for each pound of flesh you give us.
*Offer does not include games where the Rangers are facing the Devils, Islanders, Flyers, Penguins, Capitals, Red Wings, and Blackhawks.