What Lies Ahead for the New York Rangers (Satire…maybe)

The first time I wrote one of these prediction pieces was back on Metro Hockey, and I must say, I did not come close with any of them, except the one where I had Chris Higgins scoring his first goal in February. That was borderline. But here it is, what lies ahead for the New York Rangers!

June 15, 2010: The Rangers cash in on the future considerations they acquired from the Nashville Predators in the deal that sent Hugh Jessiman packing. In return, the Rangers get two packs of Pemmican beef jerky and a case of Gatorade.

June 16, 2010: The Predators file a grievance with the NHL office. The title of their memo: “Trade Backsies”.

June 25, 2010: The Rangers select Hugh Jessiman’s brother Louie with the tenth pick in the draft. They then trade Chad Johnson for the rights to draft Hugh’s other brother Dewey.

June 26, 2010: The Rangers, after realizing their mistake, trade Louie and Dewey to the Ducks. Nashville then trades Hugh to Anaheim as well.

June 29, 2010: Anaheim Ducks fold.

June 30, 2010: Jim Balsillie attempts to buy the Ducks and re-locate them to Hamilton.

July 1, 2010: With no center for Marian Gaborik, the Rangers offer Betty White a two year deal worth $8 million. She tells Sather she will think it over.

July 2, 2010: A Facebook group starts up begging Betty White to take the deal.

July 3, 2010: Betty White signs the deal with the Rangers, but only if she is granted a full no trade clause.

July 4, 2010: The Rangers re-sign Enver Lisin to a three year contract worth $10 million after Artem Anisimov held Gordie Clark at gun point.

July 5, 2010: The Rangers banish Wade Redden to Hartford, where he then flees the country and signs a fifteen year deal worth $100 million with a KHL team.

October 4, 2010: The Rangers open up the season with Betty White at center, Marian Gaborik at right wing, and a wax figure of Bea Arthur on left wing.

October 6, 2010: Sean Avery gets into his first locker room scuffle of the season when he calls Betty White an “old lady”. She knocks him out with one punch.

November 1, 2010: The Rangers begin the season 0-8-1.

November 2, 2010: In an attempt to shake up the team, Glen Sather fires Mike Sullivan and replaces him with a  cigar store Indian.

November 3, 2010: John Tortorella suffers a stroke during pre-game warm-ups when he yells at Steve Valiquette for letting in soft goals. En route to the hospital, Ryan Callahan breaks it to him that Steve Valiquette hasn’t been on the team for a year.

November 10, 2010: Chris Drury holds a television press conference yelling at his fellow players and blaming them for the poor start. At every commercial break John Giannone reminds the audience that they are having technical difficulties with the microphone, accounting for the low volume of Chris’s speech. The microphone was fine.

November 28, 2010: The Rangers win their first game of the season, a 19-1 triumph over the Phoenix Coyotes in front of 500 fans in Glendale, all of which are Petr Prucha’s family members.

December 1, 2010: Glen Sather quits his job as GM of the Rangers and is replaced in the interim by Neil Smith.

December 2, 2010: The Rangers designate the Bea Arthur wax figure for assignment. However she leaves leading the team in +/-.

December 3, 2010: Neil Smith signs Mark Messier, Craig MacTavish and Kevin Lowe.

December 4, 2010: Betty White retires after suffering an incurable groin pull injury.

December 23, 2010: The Rangers lose their tenth game in a row by the score of 18-0. Chris Drury announces it will not ruin his Christmas.

December 30, 2010: The Rangers sign Chris Chelios to a one game contract.

December 31, 2010: The Ranger players all gather together to watch the ball drop. Chelios tells them to stop staring at him when in the shower.

And thus the crystal ball ends. Ain’t the future great?


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