Dr. Strangelove: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Trust J.D Petruzzi to Save the World

Let’s be real here, unless you have a Facebook, you are not a human being in the eyes of society. We can all agree that there are many things wrong with the world, and so many people try to go about changing them in different ways. The reason why they have all failed? Because they did not change the route of the problem. Can you imagine if Jesus, Gandhi, and Colonel Sanders had Facebooks? We would all be living in a state of Utopia if that was the case (and no, creating a Facebook page for Jesus and saying, “People followed ME before TWITTER.” does not count). You all know of my many connections with people in various fields, and so, I have brought one in to help save the world.

[Enter J. David Petruzzi, a man who has authored five more books than you have.]

J.D has recently made an offer to purchase Facebook, and with its acceptance, his contract will have the following provisions. By changing the way people act on social networks, slowly, but surely, he shall change the world. He is the one we have been waiting for. Move over Mayans, we’re here to stay!

There's a Chuck Norris punchline in here somewhere...
  • There WILL be a few changes, however. I will restore the previous version of Facebook. All vestiges of personalities such as Justin Beiber, Paris Hilton, and Jersey Shore cast members will be completely removed. Immediately.
  • I will be replacing all the Facebook games with quizzes about American and world history. No matter how well you do on them, however, you will get nothing – and like it.
  • If you wish to poke someone, you will have to buy them dinner first.
  • When a chat message pops up, you will no longer hear that annoying “dling” noise. Now you will be treated to a few bars of “Dixie.”
  • Use shortcuts like “u” for “you,” “r” for “are” etc., and I will delete your profile.
  • I will be removing those stupid ads you see to the right, and replacing them with links to cool TV show music, such as Hawaii 5-0, Welcome Back Kotter, and Hill Street Blues. If anyone puts one up for the Brady Bunch, I will delete your profile.
  • There will be no more “prank” links – you cannot click on something to see why some tween committed suicide, or what some girl was doing when her Dad walked in on her. You will, however, be able to view webcams strategically placed on major Civil War battlefields around the country.
  • ‎”Unfriend”ing someone will not be so easy any more. You will first be required to attend a beer summit. The more of these we have, of course, the better.
  • Kim Kardashian just messaged me, asking if her fan page will remain. I have just deleted her.
  • If you’re looking for the “History” Channel page, please now do a search for “Hooey.”
  • You will now be able to change the background of Facebook to any color you desire. You will have about 500 colors and shades to choose from, except for fuscia. I don’t know what fuscia looks like, and no one else does either. Sorry.
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