“Ancient Aliens” Tackles the American Old West

It seems that accidentally, this week has turned into a Let’s-Bash-Supposedly-Educational-Television-Week here on FNYTSF, so why not continue today with the most credible show of them all?

Last night, I sat down with a friend to watch an episode of Ancient Aliens that I had recorded the day before on my DVR, a rerun from earlier in the season titled, “Aliens and the Old West”. At first, I was in disbelief that it was actually referring to our old west, the one with cowboys, Indians, outlaws, etc, but then I realized, “This is the History Channel we are talking about. They’re probably going to tell us that Wyatt Earp and Doc Holliday were from the planet Mars.” While this episode did not go that far, some aspects were very, very close to such. I had a notebook in hand as I jotted things down as they went along throughout the hour-long episode. I never thought I would actually be doing this, but since my last breakdown of Discovery’s Channel’s upcoming Civil War series was such a hit, I figured I would do another blow-by-blow analysis of the show that makes us question our origins…and our sanity.

1 min: On the old west, the narrator remarks, “People were seeing things in the sky they couldn’t explain”, and later, “Did cowboys and Indians really come into contact with extraterrestrial beings, from a more distant frontier?” Already, I can see where this is going, and it isn’t pretty.

2 min: A scene from Cowboys and Aliens is being shown. Apparently, the film is going to be this episode’s historical evidence. This is probably the first time that Harrison Ford has ever been cited in a scholarly report.

3 min: They now mention the book that the above mentioned movie was based on. This is obviously to lend itself credibility, because if it was written in a book, it must be true.

3 min: The narrator mentions that, unfortunately, the film is a “product of the director’s imagination, not historical fact”…much like this series is.

4 min: Moving on to some “real” evidence, there is an unmarked grave located in a cemetery in Aurora, Texas. This is obviously the grave of an alien, because no human beings in recorded history have ever been placed in a nameless grave.

6 min: “The body was given a Christian burial.”

10 min: Before the first commercial break, the body count stands at three; one for each time CGI footage of Judge Proctor’s windmill gets destroyed by a crashing flying saucer is replayed.

15 min: Serpent Mound in Ohio is now being explored (you just know where this is going). They are comparing it to the Nazca Lines of Peru (alien runways!), and the mound is obviously not a creation of American Indian symbolism or religious worship, but clearly made solely for the viewing pleasure of aliens, who would look down to see it.

17 min: It is now mentioned that the Serpent Mound was built on the edge of a giant meteor crater. The panel of experts is flabbergasted at this due to its monumental importance and evidence as being extraterrestrial related. Why is it so important, you wonder? I have no idea, and neither does our favorite expert Giorgio, as all he can say is that “sometimes” compasses spin uncontrollably when in the area. I guess we should all ignore the fact that the earth is covered with thousands of meteor craters, or is that something more than a coincidence?

20 min: There are “many, many” caves located near Serpent Mound. How many, again? Oh, many, many.

20 min: Shawnee Indians are convinced that the mound has an extraterrestrial connection. Do all of them feel this way, or just the one guy they have representing the entire tribe on this show?

20 min: That one Indian now goes on the record in saying that aliens taught his ancestors where they came from. So, did the aliens speak Shawnee or did the Shawnee speak alien?

21 min: Fancy zodiac charts and diagrams are shown to further enhance their point.

23 min: A scientist finds a big rock in a wooded area near the mound, and goes off on this elaborate scenario of how it was once located in the center of the mound for the sole purpose of harnessing energy through lightning strikes. What that energy may be used for, though, he has no idea.

23 min: Some random British guy is now talking. I can’t tell you what he said because I was so distracted by his teeth; not that there was anything wrong with them, but that he actually had any.

28 min: New segment opens up after a commercial break in Palmyra, New York, because, apparently, that’s located out west.

29 min: Joseph Smith, founder of the Mormons, is explored. The “being” that visited him and inspired him to create his religion, Moroni, was an alien, immersed in a bright light. I will never look at the Osmonds the same way again.

31 min: “Moroni, may, in fact, be a star being.”

32 min: “If Joseph Smith’s encounter was real…” If? IF? What do you mean, if? What the f—! So there’s a chance its not real? Is that what you are telling me? Is that not a contradiction? What is this, the History Channel? Oh, right, it is. Never mind. Pardon the anger.

32 min: I just realized that you can’t spell Moroni without “Moron”.

33 min: It was aliens who led the Mormons to Utah.

34 min: We’re now back out west in Montana. Thank goodness. I was beginning to worry that I didn’t pay enough attention in 5th grade geography.

42 min: Arizona, 1890. The experts are raving mad about an alien sighted in Tombstone, described in newspapers as a “big bird”. Hmm…did it ever occur to them that perhaps what the people really sighted actually was a big bird? No, of course not.

46 min: Civil War veteran Ambrose Bierce is mentioned. He was a “believer in aliens”.

47 min: The special effects present here, as the narrator goes off on a farmer who accomplished interstellar travel by walking through an empty field, would be incredible if you were on an acid trip.

47 min: We are in Mexico, now, which is called a “gateway to other worlds”. I wonder if that’s how all the illegals got here. Wait! They’re called aliens too. I wonder if that’s just a coincidence…

49 min: The last words Bierce ever wrote in a letter to a fellow human being were, “I leave tomorrow for an unknown destination.” What do you think, Mars or Venus?

55 min: That “big bird” is now in California.

59 min: The show wraps up with more scenes from Cowboys and Aliens. If I didn’t know any better, I would say that’s product placement.

59 min: The last 10 seconds of the show (and finishing clever remarks) get cut off by my DVR. Damn. I may lose sleep over this.

I hope you all enjoyed that, because sometimes, if we actually sit down to read what was said, instead of listening to it with background music, special effects and pictures, we can get a deeper appreciation for the stupidity at hand. Just to clear something up, I do believe in aliens, just not that they are responsible for everything humans have ever accomplished on planet earth.

3 Comments Add yours

  1. To be fair, the legend of the unmarked grave in Aurora, TX is years old. UFOlogists have known of it for a while. As for Ambrose Bierce? I want to find the producers of the program and smack the shit out them. Leaving out the rest of the letter smacks of sensationalism. The total letter said something along the lines of “Tomorrow, I depart for an unknown land. But if you should read about a Gringo up against the wall with Villa’s army, what and end I should I make”. I’m quoting from memory, so I might have gotten some of that wrong, but that’s the gist of it.

    1. I heard about the Aurora incident before, on History Channel’s (dare I say more credible?) show UFO HUNTERS last year. Something definitely happened there, no doubt about it, but the way THIS show presented it was laugh out loud ridiculous.

      I was very upset as well when it came to Bierce. I tend to get defensive when networks that have no idea what they are talking about, bring up the Civil War. I was nearly left speechless.

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