A PC American Holiday Vol. 3: Why Leave New Year’s Alone?

Ah, it’s that time of year again where political correctness drives people mad! Last year, we attacked the myths behind Frostie the Snowman and Santa Claus, and because they went over so well, I decided to continue it again this year, with a different holiday that no one ever goes after. Well, why should we leave New Year’s celebrations alone? Surely, somewhere, someone is offended by such a day/eve, and on this blog, we shall set out to exploit it!

  • Religious people go on strike because their year is not recognized. Because they have a right to be un-politically correct, people of all religious persuasions, besides Christians, stage a general strike from all workplaces until the entire calendar is changed to one everyone can agree upon. Jews want the Hebrew year to be officially recognized while Muslims want the year Muhammad ascended to heaven to be the starting point. With no one else at work, Christians then begin to strike because they did not want to be alone, except members of the GOP who were relishing an Aryan workforce. Eventually, it was decided that the year 2012 would just be changed to the year 1, but then Mayans began to voice their protest because that would throw their doomsday prediction off. Finally, they ceded and just as the law was going to be put into effect, atheists would have their say just to piss everyone else off.
  • Depressed people are offended by “Happy” New Year wishes. The National Association of Depressed Americans decided to take action at the ridiculous notion that people should be happy on January 1st, with a march on Washington. There, they decreed that if they could never be happy, no one else should be either, so it became discouraged, and later, illegal, to say “Happy New Year” in public. The salutation of joy was then changed to just “New Year”, but because it sounded so ridiculous, it was dropped all together.
  • PETA protests the consumption of mini hot dogs on New Year’s Eve. The most eaten party appetizer, those little cocktail franks wrapped in a puff pasty, soon became obsolete due to animal rights being infringed upon. The meat was then replaced with soy, and because no one purchased them anymore, Hebrew National (which changed its company name to “Non-Denominational National” soon after), Nathan’s, and Ballpark Hot Dogs all went out of business, sending the meat-eating economy of America into a second Great Depression. Due to the banning of meat, Plant Advocates then began to protest the soy replacement, stating that the plants expressed a “sincere sorrow for their eaten brethren”. Though laws pushed by the advocates were overturned, they issued a press release suggesting that, “…true environment lovers should suck on air next New Year’s Eve”.
  • “Occupy New Year’s Eve”. The organizers of Occupy Wall Street got bored, so they decided to come up with an ONYE protest, because items used during this festivity such as noisemakers, party hats, and streamers, are all products of big corporations, and therefore, evil. They then make the humble suggestion that the Times Square Ball be changed to a massive guillotine blade, to symbolize what they want to do to the heads of corporate America.

Want to be a part of this madness? Have a suggestion on how we can further destroy the world we live in? Post it in a comment below!

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