A P.C American Holiday Vol. 4: Santa’s Pipe has Gone Missing

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Continued from the series started last year: Building an Inoffensive Snowman (Vol. 1), The Evil Mystique of Santa Claus (Vol. 2), and Why Leave New Year’s Alone? (Vol. 3).

Frosty the Snowman’s corncob pipe was taken away several years ago, and now, thanks to a hack author from Canada, Santa’s has now gone missing as well. Yes, that’s right, the politically correct, over-sensitive lunacy that has engulfed this continent has made its way to Clement Clarke Moore’s timeless tale, Twas the Night Before Christmas, as a new edition has been released with verses related to Santa’s evil pipe smoking deleted. The author, Pamela McColl, has omitted all references to tobacco, along with adding the subtitle, “Edited by Santa Claus for the benefit of children of the 21st century”, because she feels that Santa’s bad habit will negatively influence the young, malleable minds reading and listening to the story. While some may see this as harmless, I see it as a desecration of literature, much in the same way that people were aghast when Mark Twain’s Huckleberry Finn was edited down a few years ago, removing all uses of the N-word, to appeal to “modern audiences”. Twain, the complete reverse of a racist in real life, used such language to articulate a point, and tell a story, one which has been butchered by the ultra-liberal pansies who want to shield young eyes from the slightest upsetting remark or image. Apparently, the jolly old elf enjoying a pipe after flying around the world is so disgusting, it had to be removed as well.

What gave this author the right to change a historic tale? This was not some unknown story that was tweaked for some rejuvenation, but arguably the most widely-read Christmas story ever written. I don’t care what she wants to label it, be it an update, modernization, retelling, etc, but she has destroyed a piece of the enigmatic character of Santa Claus. What she is really doing is pushing an agenda. She thinks she can make an anti-smoking political statement by editing this book, and of course, she does what people like her kind do: hide behind the children! Everyone with an agenda always hides behind them. “Oh, the children! Think about the children! Those poor children! Save the children! ” Listen lady, let me ask you a question: do you honestly think a few kids are going to become smokers because of a Christmas story? Smoking is bad, obviously, and children should be educated about the dangers of tobacco, but if you asked a sample space of a hundred, no, a thousand adult smokers, “What influenced you to start smoking?” do you honestly believe any of them are going to say, “Santa Claus!” Get a grip on reality you ignorant tool bag, and stop messing with classic literature.

What is going to come next? Santa is obese, and being obese is unhealthy, so we’re going to make him thin to set an example? How about replacing the reindeer with a jet pack on the back of Santa’s sleigh so we do not represent animal cruelty? Better make those cookies gluten free and replace the milk with a soy-based drink so we can promote lactose intolerance awareness too. And no nut products allowed either! The list goes on and on, and it starts right here with the banning of Santa’s pipe. You want to start it? Might as well go ahead and finish it. Drive the stake of holly right through the heart of Christmas.

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