Animals Killed in Ritualistic Fashion on Keansburg Beach

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A Keansburg sunset, after a nuclear holocaust.

Just when I thought there was nothing to write about as we near the end of another summer, could it be that a ritualistic cult has invaded the Keansburg/Hazlet area? It would definitely bring some much needed excitement, and perhaps provide the basis of some legends in the years to come, since decapitating three chickens and slitting the throat of a 60-pound pig only to leave their carcasses rotting on a West Keansburg Beach next to a makeshift altar will certainly get the job done. Like many, I am against the killing of animals, except for when it comes time to eat them, but this kind of story is simply too good to pass up. Just think: the sleepy little town of Hazlet, of which “The WK” is apart of, never has anything going on. There are no legends or weird activity of any kind ever happening here, and now, all of a sudden, we have animals being killed in “Santeria” fashion, according to Chief Amato. The police in the area have been no doubt sent into a tizzy, as the first search in the history of Hazlet for clandestine cult followers will probably begin shortly.

While there are several articles you can read to gain a better understanding of the flameless barbecue (Asbury Park Press; NJ.Com), what gets me is the fact that it was noted the perpetrators had to walk on the famous Keansburg Boardwalk with the pig in order to get it to the beach. That just makes me laugh: the thought of a group of people dressed in Satanic garb carrying a 60-pound oinking pig with no one around to see them and question, “Why are they carrying a pig? I know this is Keansburg, and it might actually be a person, but it sure looks like a pig to me!” And where exactly did they get the chickens from? Maybe I’m just ignorant, but I wouldn’t know where to purchase a live chicken right now even if I wanted to.

And how do we know this is Santeria? Maybe its voodoo instead? Either way, both religions are partly based in Catholicism, a little factoid often ignored, so for me, how intriguing would it be to see a headline saying, “Practicing Catholics Slay Three Chickens and a Pig in the Name of Jesus”? One of the articles also went on to add that the practices “often include…drumming, dancing, and trances”. Oh, this just gets better and better. We can all imagine now how this went down: a group of hoodlums must have stole some live chickens from the newly renovated KFC on Route 36. Maybe they even threatened to cut the owner’s heart out like Mola Rom in Temple of Doom. They then marched, enrobed and unseen, while chanting ancient, backwards Romanian (something along the lines of Jocelyn Pook’s soundtrack from Eyes Wide Shut) from the KFC to West Keansburg where they somehow managed to secure 60 pounds of live sausage. Once on the beach, again, after carrying the poor thing across the boardwalk, they took mind-altering drugs and began to have fits and fall into trances like Tituba from The Crucible. They then cut the heads off the chickens, slit the pig’s throat, did the Hokey Pokey and turned themselves around while circling a candlelit altar, and then vanished into the night. Certainly this is too exciting for our town!

Anyway, not to sound insensitive, I hope the people who carried out this “crime” are brought to justice. If anything, I would just like to find out what exactly they were up to. Maybe decades from now,  we can include the escapades in a haunted walking tour of the Hazlet area. “Welcome to the Jersey Shore, where the people ghosts are scarier than the property taxes!” And one more thing before I go, what are they going to do with the carcasses of the deceased animals? Perhaps they are still edible? Either way, the meat is probably cleaner than what comes out of the  Stewart’s kitchen nearby in West Keansburg. Talk about frightening!

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