Movie Review: “Beast: A Monster Among Men” (2013)

beast-a-monster-among-men

They must have bribed or held Horror Times at gunpoint for that quote on the poster. You know you’re in for a real treat when the director, writer, editor, producer, executive producer, production designer, costume designer, art director, production manager, and sound editor are all the same person, oh, and one of the actors too. Beast: A Monster Among Men is a project that would have to climb Mount Everest just to be considered bad. It is so brutally awful that I almost did not want to review it. It was midnight and the running time was only 72 minutes, so I figured why not? How bad could it be? I’ve always been fascinated by Bigfoot. Oh, it was bad. Very, very bad.

The story concerns five idiots who go on a camping trip at a park called Six Rivers (then again, we never really see a river), where a slew of people have gone missing of late. On the way (the car ride is half the movie), they manage to get into one fight after another, creating so much artificial, put-on, melodramatic, and over-the-top animosity that you just want to yell “Shut up!” at the screen. When they arrive at their destination, they get into more fights, before two of them decide to go for a walk. They never come back. [**dun-dun-dun**] The search for them that ensues is appalling.

They argue more, not even trying to act or sound convincing in any way. They thankfully get picked off one-by-one by an unseen killer. Is it one of their disgruntled friends, they think, who has gone crazy, or is it Bigfoot? You find the answer to that at the end, in mind-numbing, jaw-dropping fashion, that will leave you so stupefied that you might just go brain-dead and start drooling all over the place. The part I enjoyed the most was definitely the search in the woods. They are supposed to be in the middle of nowhere, in pitch-black darkness, yet they are all so well-lit even without their flashlights on. So either they filmed this under the brightest full moon in history, or the lighting director went a little overboard. Case in point, this is one of the worst movies I have ever seen. It might even be the worst because I can find no redeeming qualities whatsoever. It was painful.

The rating currently stands on IMDB as a 4.9 (a mere 45 votes), which means the cast/crew obviously have their friends and family clicking away with 10’s on this movie’s page. That’s no fun, considering I would give this a negative score if I could. Just because you have a hundred bucks, a digital camera, and a couple of bored stoners for friends does not mean you should make a movie with them. You can currently watch this for $2.99 on Amazon Instant, though I would rather use that money to buy an enema.

Starring T.J Lavin, Blake Farris, Daren Flores. Directed [and a million other things by] Mike Lenzini.

0 out of 10 stars.

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