“Halloween Twenty Fifteen”: A Review of “The Last House on Cemetery Lane” (2015)

the-last-house-on-cemetery-lane

“Evil Has A New Home.” Where do I begin? The cell phone-like cinematography, zero dollar budget, screechy, monotone, and repetitive soundtrack, or the fact that there is no cemetery in a movie titled The Last House on Cemetery Lane? The best part of this 112 minute spectacle of boredom was when the Introitus of Mozart’s Requiem began to play when the end credits rolled, and I jumped for joy that it was finally over. Fitting funeral music for a film that should be buried six feet under.

The storyline here is a screenwriter (Lee Bane) looking for solitude to get some writing done, so he rents an old house. The one catch is that there is a reclusive, blind, old woman (Vivien Bridson) who lives in the attic, never comes out, and never takes visitors. While he is apprehensive at first, he gets used to it and starts to work. He soon meets a girl from the village (Georgina Blackledge), and all is going well…until strange things begin happening in the house. A record player turns on by itself, shadows move on their own, and items end up in different rooms than where they started out. He inquires further, including using a Ouija Board for help, and discovers that a murder took place in his house years ago, and the old woman upstairs knows all about it. The only thing this film lacked was a loud phone ringing to break a tense moment of silence. I also must repeat there is no cemetery in this production at all, save for a fleeting glimpse of the tops of tombstones that are barely visible in a distance shot through the house’s dining room window. The romance between the main character and the girl commands the story—its like a bad Lifetime movie.

Normally, I would enjoy poking fun at a film like this, but it takes itself so seriously that it is almost sad. The acting is subdued to the point that I started to think the cast was mixing sleeping pills with wine before going on set. There are no scares, no laughs, no entertainment. By the end of this one, you’ll want to grab Lee Bane by his hipster beard and throw him out the attic window. And where did their poster come from, a stock photo off Google Images? It isn’t even remotely resembling the finished product we are presented with. I almost want to sue for false advertising. Also starring Tessa Wood. Directed by Andrew Jones.

1 out of 10 stars.

More articles in this special “Halloween Twenty-Fifteen” column can be found here.

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